I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.Henny Youngman
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning,....sleep late.Henny Youngman
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.Henny Youngman
My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.Henny Youngman
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henny Youngman
Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.
When I do good, I feel good when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.